Wow, finally things have changed!
As of right now, Pharrell’s song “Happy,” which sat at No. 1 for weeks, has dropped to No. 4 and has been replaced with…
…John Legend’s “All Of Me.”
…I just don’t know what to say. I mean…really? That song? You guys picked the blandest, most boring-as-hell, underwritten song out there?
Um, whatever floats your boat, I guess.
Anyway, let’s see what’s new on the list. And from now on, I’m only doing the top ten, simply because I don’t feel like going through the top twenty. I just don’t. Have mercy on me.
All right, let’s see what we have here…
Anything in bold is me before I listen to the song, normal type is after.
No. 2 – “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX. I’ve never heard of it. Be right back after a listen…
Well, that was a miserable 3 minutes and 24 seconds of my life. How do I describe this? It was like an endless ear raping. And it only lasted three minutes and 24 seconds. Just the same monotonous, shallow, horrible chorus over and over again, with verses that were either equally intelligent or completely unintelligible. No. 2. Huh. Billboard, you’re really starting to suck.
No. 3 – “Problem” by Ariana Grande. Oh, good! Ariana Grande. I like her. She’s actually quite talented. Let’s see what she’s got for us here.
Well, she took a leaf from Jason DeRulo’s book and added in the irresistibly catchy horn, but other than that, I’m sad to say that I don’t see anything particularly special about this song. It’s not even close to her best work, and it’s kind of annoying. Still, it’s better than the two that come before it, that’s for sure.
No. 4 – “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. I’ve already spoken about this one many, many times. It’s wearing out its welcome, but it’s still a good song.
No. 5 – “Turn Down For What” by DJ Snake and Lil Jon. I’ve already spoken about this one too. I’m going to do something absolutely shameful and quote myself.
“Turn Down For What” is not a song, but a conglomeration of the various noises emitted by autotuned robot chipmunks. It is unbearable.
I’ll keep quoting myself until the song’s taken off the list. So there.
No. 6 – “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY.
No. 7 – “Talk Dirty” by Jason Derulo. Man, maybe the charts aren’t so different after all.
No. 8 – “Not A Bad Thing” by Justin Timberlake. Okay, I take everything back. Nothing has changed. There is absolutely nothing new on this list. Billboard sucks. The most boring song ever written is at No. 1, autotuned chipmunks dominate the No. 5 spot, Katy Perry still controls half the country’s minds and Justin Timberlake is still making bad music. Forget it. This is stupid. I’m never doing one of these agai –
No. 9 – “Love Never Felt So Good” by…Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake. Wait, what? Michael Jackson? What? What is this? *Goes to Wikipedia page to find out what this is* No way! They released a new Michael Jackson song? And had Justin Timberlake sing on it? Could this possibly mean that Justin is actually going to show off some…talent for once? And in a freaking Michael Jackson song? Oh my gosh, I’ve got to listen to this right now! *Hurriedly goes to YouTube*
God bless you, Billboard.
Okay, I’m not a Michael Jackson fanatic or anything, but compared to the other songs on this list, this is golden. Say what you want about the music or the man, but Michael Jackson was a phenomenal singer, and listening to this song reminded me of just that. Throw in a catchy beat, some nice chords, and a good Justin Timberlake and you have what I consider to be a pretty decent song. The fact that Justin can hold his own against Michael Jackson is PROOF of my theory that Justin is way more talented than he’s willing to let any of us believe. Well, you don’t fool me, Justin. I can see right through you.
Well, I’m pumped! Who’s at the No. 10 spot?
No. 1o – “A Sky Full of Stars” by Coldplay. The thrill is gone.
Well, what do you know, ten seconds in and it sounds like EVERY OTHER COLDPLAY SONG IN THE FREAKING UNIVERSE.
Actually, this song is a perfect representation of why I don’t like Coldplay very much. They’re not the worst thing out there for sure, but they’re nowhere near as good as people think they are. Just look at the title of this song. “A Sky Full of Stars.” How original. Next they’ll be releasing singles called “An Ocean Full of Water” or “A Dog Food Container Full of Dog Food.” The song itself starts like pretty much every Coldplay song starts – piano entrance, bland lyric here, bland lyric there, uninteresting four chords of pop. Not even worth a full listen. I’m going back to the Michael Jackson song now.
Well, there you have it. Billboard slowly getting worse. Or possibly better. Only time will tell.
………I couldn’t help it.