A Look At Billboard – Week of 7/11/14

All right, so you’ve probably noticed that the title of this post isn’t “Billboard Top 10” as it usually is. That’s because I’ve decided to become even more annoying with these Billboard posts and basically just jump around Billboard’s list and talk about whatever I find, mainly because I’m sick of talking about the same songs over and over again, or having nothing to say about a certain song. Hopefully I will be able to address new songs and new artists I haven’t before, as well as refresh certain views on artists I have talked about before.

Speaking of which, let’s start with a little band called Maroon 5.

9. “Maps” by Maroon 5

There are many things in this world I hate, and one of those things is Maroon 5. But I’ve realized recently that hate might really be geared towards the main face of the band, Adam Levine. You see, I’ve heard bands that create the same bland, boring songs over and over again (*cough* Coldplay), but there are very few bands whose lead singer’s voice closely resembles an autotuned injured wolf. Every time Adam Levine goes into the falsest of autotuned falsettos, I kind of want to punch something.

“Maps” is no different from any other Maroon 5 song – boring, bland, and incredibly annoying. Because of this, I find that in order to even tell one song apart from the other I have to watch the music videos, which is unfortunate, because Maroon 5’s music videos are just…awful.

The music video for “Maps” features a woman whom Adam Levine apparently had a relationship with getting hit by a car, and we have to watch people bring her bloody, dismembered body into the emergency room, and then Adam Levine sings a song that is, of course, all about him and how she treated him terribly.

Wow. Adam Levine, you are a reprehensible human being. Please stop trying to make music.

All right, moving onto #5.

Who the hell is Sam Smith?

5. “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith

First of all, Sam Smith, if that is his real name, should probably have changed it to something a little more memorable. I mean, you don’t get much more boring than that. Sam Smith. This poor guy is going to be gone by next month. Unless, of course, his music is good enough to keep him in the spotlight.

Which, it isn’t, really, but I will cut “Stay With Me” a little bit of slack because while I don’t think it’s good, I don’t really think it’s bad, necessarily. I like the layers of harmony on the chorus, I like the one itsy bitsy chord that, for a brief moment in time, verges away from the four chords of pop. The song would be improved if Sam Smith didn’t sound like he was singing with a pillow over his face, but I honestly can’t bring myself to hate this one too much. I don’t see it sticking around, but my predictions have been wrong before.

7. “Summer” by Calvin Harris

I’m not at all familiar with Calvin Harris, so I have to ask: does he sound like he has the flu on all of his songs?

11. “Latch” by Disclosure feat. Sam Smith

Bland. And Sam Smith’s voice goes from muffled to annoying.

28. “Me And My Broken Heart” by Rixton

Who the hell is Rixton??! What is happening to Billboard?

I actually think I could get into this song, if I were in a good mood. It uses a chord progression (or almost uses it) that I haven’t heard in a while and is welcome, although I wish they could have used it like Al Stewart did in “The Palace of Versailles.” Which is, like, the best song ever.

2. “Rude” by MAGIC!

I very much appreciate the reggae beat. Now, if only I could erase the premise and the lyrics of this song (neither of which are very good) every time I hear it, it might be a little more enjoyable. Still, I can’t pretend like I hate it.

Oh, yeah, and MAGIC! is possibly the dumbest name for a band.

Ever.

15. “Break Free” by Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

Ariana Grande wasn’t too successful with her huge hit “Problem,” in my opinion, but she’s talented enough to redeem herself. Although teaming up with Zedd, who did the abomination of a song “Clarity,” doesn’t give me much hope.

(After listen)

…Boooring. Moving on.

14. “Classic” by MKTO

Eh…it’s okay, I guess. I certainly don’t hate it. I do wish it actually sounded more “classic.”

16. “Amnesia” by 5 Seconds of Summer

First observation: if you want to be a successful, chart-topping music group, naming your band “5 Seconds of Summer” probably isn’t the smartest idea.

Second observation: I think I’ve heard this song ten million times, under different names by different artists.

Third observation: 5 seconds of summer is probably all 5 Seconds of Summer is going to get on Billboard, relatively speaking.

20. “Boom Clap” by Charli XCX

This song is literally the most annoyingly dangerous thing in the universe. I almost didn’t put it on this list because I knew once I typed the title it would start playing in my head and never ever leave. I’m serious. It’s an absolute parasite of a song. It will suck out your major thought processes and leave you with nothing but a loud, obnoxious pop song playing in your head for eternity. Don’t listen to this song if you haven’t done so yet. Escape it while you can.

17. “Chandelier” by Sia

I can’t understand a single word she’s singing. She sounds drunk.

38. “Come With Me Now” by KONGOS

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! Accordions! Guitar solos! ROCK! Actual rock chords and beats and vocals! YES!! ME LIKE!

Other observations…

I’m glad to see Coldplay’s song has dropped so low. I’m also sad to see that the Michael Jackson/Justin Timberlake song has as well. 😦 Much sadness.

Does Ed Sheeran only release songs with one-word titles?

Jason Derulo really has a song called “Trumpets,” which I assume is composed of the leftover sound bites from “Talk Dirty.”

There’s a new Iggy Azalea song at #97 right now. Why do I have a feeling it’s going to be higher?

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