A Look At Billboard – Week of 7/11/14

All right, so you’ve probably noticed that the title of this post isn’t “Billboard Top 10” as it usually is. That’s because I’ve decided to become even more annoying with these Billboard posts and basically just jump around Billboard’s list and talk about whatever I find, mainly because I’m sick of talking about the same songs over and over again, or having nothing to say about a certain song. Hopefully I will be able to address new songs and new artists I haven’t before, as well as refresh certain views on artists I have talked about before.

Speaking of which, let’s start with a little band called Maroon 5.

9. “Maps” by Maroon 5

There are many things in this world I hate, and one of those things is Maroon 5. But I’ve realized recently that hate might really be geared towards the main face of the band, Adam Levine. You see, I’ve heard bands that create the same bland, boring songs over and over again (*cough* Coldplay), but there are very few bands whose lead singer’s voice closely resembles an autotuned injured wolf. Every time Adam Levine goes into the falsest of autotuned falsettos, I kind of want to punch something.

“Maps” is no different from any other Maroon 5 song – boring, bland, and incredibly annoying. Because of this, I find that in order to even tell one song apart from the other I have to watch the music videos, which is unfortunate, because Maroon 5’s music videos are just…awful.

The music video for “Maps” features a woman whom Adam Levine apparently had a relationship with getting hit by a car, and we have to watch people bring her bloody, dismembered body into the emergency room, and then Adam Levine sings a song that is, of course, all about him and how she treated him terribly.

Wow. Adam Levine, you are a reprehensible human being. Please stop trying to make music.

All right, moving onto #5.

Who the hell is Sam Smith?

5. “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith

First of all, Sam Smith, if that is his real name, should probably have changed it to something a little more memorable. I mean, you don’t get much more boring than that. Sam Smith. This poor guy is going to be gone by next month. Unless, of course, his music is good enough to keep him in the spotlight.

Which, it isn’t, really, but I will cut “Stay With Me” a little bit of slack because while I don’t think it’s good, I don’t really think it’s bad, necessarily. I like the layers of harmony on the chorus, I like the one itsy bitsy chord that, for a brief moment in time, verges away from the four chords of pop. The song would be improved if Sam Smith didn’t sound like he was singing with a pillow over his face, but I honestly can’t bring myself to hate this one too much. I don’t see it sticking around, but my predictions have been wrong before.

7. “Summer” by Calvin Harris

I’m not at all familiar with Calvin Harris, so I have to ask: does he sound like he has the flu on all of his songs?

11. “Latch” by Disclosure feat. Sam Smith

Bland. And Sam Smith’s voice goes from muffled to annoying.

28. “Me And My Broken Heart” by Rixton

Who the hell is Rixton??! What is happening to Billboard?

I actually think I could get into this song, if I were in a good mood. It uses a chord progression (or almost uses it) that I haven’t heard in a while and is welcome, although I wish they could have used it like Al Stewart did in “The Palace of Versailles.” Which is, like, the best song ever.

2. “Rude” by MAGIC!

I very much appreciate the reggae beat. Now, if only I could erase the premise and the lyrics of this song (neither of which are very good) every time I hear it, it might be a little more enjoyable. Still, I can’t pretend like I hate it.

Oh, yeah, and MAGIC! is possibly the dumbest name for a band.

Ever.

15. “Break Free” by Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

Ariana Grande wasn’t too successful with her huge hit “Problem,” in my opinion, but she’s talented enough to redeem herself. Although teaming up with Zedd, who did the abomination of a song “Clarity,” doesn’t give me much hope.

(After listen)

…Boooring. Moving on.

14. “Classic” by MKTO

Eh…it’s okay, I guess. I certainly don’t hate it. I do wish it actually sounded more “classic.”

16. “Amnesia” by 5 Seconds of Summer

First observation: if you want to be a successful, chart-topping music group, naming your band “5 Seconds of Summer” probably isn’t the smartest idea.

Second observation: I think I’ve heard this song ten million times, under different names by different artists.

Third observation: 5 seconds of summer is probably all 5 Seconds of Summer is going to get on Billboard, relatively speaking.

20. “Boom Clap” by Charli XCX

This song is literally the most annoyingly dangerous thing in the universe. I almost didn’t put it on this list because I knew once I typed the title it would start playing in my head and never ever leave. I’m serious. It’s an absolute parasite of a song. It will suck out your major thought processes and leave you with nothing but a loud, obnoxious pop song playing in your head for eternity. Don’t listen to this song if you haven’t done so yet. Escape it while you can.

17. “Chandelier” by Sia

I can’t understand a single word she’s singing. She sounds drunk.

38. “Come With Me Now” by KONGOS

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! Accordions! Guitar solos! ROCK! Actual rock chords and beats and vocals! YES!! ME LIKE!

Other observations…

I’m glad to see Coldplay’s song has dropped so low. I’m also sad to see that the Michael Jackson/Justin Timberlake song has as well. 😦 Much sadness.

Does Ed Sheeran only release songs with one-word titles?

Jason Derulo really has a song called “Trumpets,” which I assume is composed of the leftover sound bites from “Talk Dirty.”

There’s a new Iggy Azalea song at #97 right now. Why do I have a feeling it’s going to be higher?

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A Look At Billboard Top 10 – Week of 5/25/14

Wow, finally things have changed!

As of right now, Pharrell’s song “Happy,” which sat at No. 1 for weeks, has dropped to No. 4 and has been replaced with…

…John Legend’s “All Of Me.”

…..

………..

…I just don’t know what to say. I mean…really? That song? You guys picked the blandest, most boring-as-hell, underwritten song out there?

Um, whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Anyway, let’s see what’s new on the list. And from now on, I’m only doing the top ten, simply because I don’t feel like going through the top twenty. I just don’t. Have mercy on me.

All right, let’s see what we have here…

Anything in bold is me before I listen to the song, normal type is after.

No. 2 – “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX. I’ve never heard of it. Be right back after a listen…

Well, that was a miserable 3 minutes and 24 seconds of my life. How do I describe this? It was like an endless ear raping. And it only lasted three minutes and 24 seconds. Just the same monotonous, shallow, horrible chorus over and over again, with verses that were either equally intelligent or completely unintelligible. No. 2. Huh. Billboard, you’re really starting to suck.

No. 3 – “Problem” by Ariana Grande. Oh, good! Ariana Grande. I like her. She’s actually quite talented. Let’s see what she’s got for us here.

Well, she took a leaf from Jason DeRulo’s book and added in the irresistibly catchy horn, but other than that, I’m sad to say that I don’t see anything particularly special about this song. It’s not even close to her best work, and it’s kind of annoying. Still, it’s better than the two that come before it, that’s for sure.

No. 4 – “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. I’ve already spoken about this one many, many times. It’s wearing out its welcome, but it’s still a good song.

No. 5 – “Turn Down For What” by DJ Snake and Lil Jon. I’ve already spoken about this one too. I’m going to do something absolutely shameful and quote myself.

“Turn Down For What” is not a song, but a conglomeration of the various noises emitted by autotuned robot chipmunks. It is unbearable.

I’ll keep quoting myself until the song’s taken off the list. So there.

No. 6 – “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. GO AWAY. GO AWAY. GO AWAY.

No. 7 – “Talk Dirty” by Jason Derulo. Man, maybe the charts aren’t so different after all.

No. 8 – “Not A Bad Thing” by Justin Timberlake. Okay, I take everything back. Nothing has changed. There is absolutely nothing new on this list. Billboard sucks. The most boring song ever written is at No. 1, autotuned chipmunks dominate the No. 5 spot, Katy Perry still controls half the country’s minds and Justin Timberlake is still making bad music. Forget it. This is stupid. I’m never doing one of these agai –

No. 9 – “Love Never Felt So Good” by…Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake. Wait, what? Michael Jackson? What? What is this? *Goes to Wikipedia page to find out what this is* No way! They released a new Michael Jackson song? And had Justin Timberlake sing on it? Could this possibly mean that Justin is actually going to show off some…talent for once? And in a freaking Michael Jackson song? Oh my gosh, I’ve got to listen to this right now! *Hurriedly goes to YouTube*

God bless you, Billboard.

Okay, I’m not a Michael Jackson fanatic or anything, but compared to the other songs on this list, this is golden. Say what you want about the music or the man, but Michael Jackson was a phenomenal singer, and listening to this song reminded me of just that. Throw in a catchy beat, some nice chords, and a good Justin Timberlake and you have what I consider to be a pretty decent song. The fact that Justin can hold his own against Michael Jackson is PROOF of my theory that Justin is way more talented than he’s willing to let any of us believe. Well, you don’t fool me, Justin. I can see right through you.

Well, I’m pumped! Who’s at the No. 10 spot?

No. 1o – “A Sky Full of Stars” by Coldplay. The thrill is gone.

Well, what do you know, ten seconds in and it sounds like EVERY OTHER COLDPLAY SONG IN THE FREAKING UNIVERSE.

Actually, this song is a perfect representation of why I don’t like Coldplay very much. They’re not the worst thing out there for sure, but they’re nowhere near as good as people think they are. Just look at the title of this song. “A Sky Full of Stars.” How original. Next they’ll be releasing singles called “An Ocean Full of Water” or “A Dog Food Container Full of Dog Food.” The song itself starts like pretty much every Coldplay song starts – piano entrance, bland lyric here, bland lyric there, uninteresting four chords of pop. Not even worth a full listen. I’m going back to the Michael Jackson song now.

Well, there you have it. Billboard slowly getting worse. Or possibly better. Only time will tell.

………I couldn’t help it.

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A Look at Billboard Top 10 – Week of 4/12/14

Life has been so busy these past few weeks that you can imagine my excitement when I had a few spare moments and thought to myself, “Oh, goody! I can make a blog post! Let’s look at the Billboard Top 10!”

Yeah, not much is different from when I last looked.

Sure, things have gotten shuffled around a bit and there are some new additions to the Top 10, but all in all it’s still essentially the same list. “Happy” is still No. 1, although in my opinion it’s well-deserved, and we still have that abomination of a song by Katy Perry, whose managers must have pulled some strings somewhere because I cannot fathom how such a dull, plodding song is at No. 3. “All of Me” is still at the top and is as bland as ever, and Lorde’s “Team” is surprisingly still very high.

But we do have some new songs on there, so let’s take a look.

First of all, I have to mention “Let It Go,” which is the obvious one. People have been freaking out so much over this song (and the movie) that it’s almost impossible for this song not to be in the Top 10 – in fact, it’s at No. 5 and I’m surprised it isn’t higher. I’ll say for the record that I don’t dislike this song, although I did not think it was the best one from the movie and I’ve never been a fan of Idina Menzel. I suppose I’m just tired of it. But it’s a good song. I must be fair.

I can’t stand “Pompeii,” which shouldn’t be an enormous surprise to those who have read my “Top Ten Worst Songs of 2013” post. I just don’t like music of this sort – indieish British bands who try to make universal anthems about NOTHING. This song’s premise is stupid, its lyrics are stupid, its music is unremarkable and it frustrates me deeply.

I tried to listen to “The Man,” but found it so unfulfilling I didn’t make it past 45 seconds.

“Turn Down For What” is not a song, but a conglomeration of the various noises emitted by autotuned robot chipmunks. It is unbearable.

Glancing past the top 10…

No. 11, “Best Day of My Life,” has raffle lyrics worse than Maroon 5’s “Daylight” (see Top Ten Worst Songs of 2013 for a definition of “raffle lyrics”).

No. 12 – I remember nothing about it except it’s not worth clicking on the open tab to see what the title of the song is.

No. 13 – Ke$ha. That is all.

No. 14 – JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE STOP BEING TALENTED AND MAKING SHITTY SONGS.

No. 15 – See No. 12

No. 16. “Hey Brother” by Avicii. Didn’t like it.

No. 17 – “Drunk in Love” by Beyonce – I don’t know what to say about this song except that I feel incredibly dirty for some reason whenever I listen to it. Ugh. Makes me shudder.

No. 18 – One Direction sucks

No. 19 – “Say Something” Oh, good, it seems to be losing popularity. I’ve developed a real hatred for this song since my last Billboard post. What an utterly talentless attempt at meaningful songwriting.

No. 20 – #SELFIE Is not a song. It’s a joke.

It’s a joke, right?

Right?

 

Music Review – A Look at the Billboard Top 10 (for this week)

Ever since I started this blog, I’ve made an effort to listen to more pop music. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily enjoyed doing so, but I do enjoy the thought that I’ve at least kept an open mind in regards to what I listen to. And I will admit there have been some surprises.

Still, even though I am getting more acquainted with the genre, I can’t pretend to know what the most popular songs are, because I don’t really listen to the radio and very few of my friends listen to popular music (they’re all like me). So I instead have to turn to the Billboard Hot 100 each week to get a feel for what people are listening to. Now I realize that one must take Billboard with a grain of salt, but as of right now it’s the best I’ve got.

As part of the music review section for this blog, I’m going to make an effort to take a look at Billboard once a month or so, just to see how things are changing. Every time I do, I’ll write a blog post about it.

I’d also like to say that I have no idea how Billboard updates its list. I literally went on their site yesterday and it had a slightly different ranking. So all of this may be changing as I write this now. I have no clue.

Because of the ever-changing nature of the rankings, I’m not going to go in order. Instead, I’ll point out songs I either already know or ones I’ve just listened to for the purpose of these posts. I will comment on No. 1, though. Make no mistake.

So without further ado, let’s begin.


First thing I noticed right off the bat, and it wasn’t even at #1: KATY PERRY.

I mentioned in my Top Ten Worst Songs of 2013 post that Katy Perry has a King Midas ability to turn every single she records into a smash hit. I don’t know why. I haven’t heard a single song by Katy Perry that I ever thought was good, or even so bad it was good (well, maybe some of them are, depending on what mood I’m in). Katy Perry herself isn’t that remarkable, either – she doesn’t have much vocal ability and I doubt very seriously she contributes much to her own songs. That being said, she doesn’t irritate me quite as much as other pop stars because of her refreshing lack of pretentiousness. Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Lorde, etc….they all carry with them an air of superiority that screams LOOK AT ME. THIS IS ART.

Katy Perry doesn’t do that. Her songs and videos are unbelievably stupid, but they’re genuinely stupid. Perhaps that’s why Katy Perry gets so popular – her songs are stupid but in a way sincere.

And they NEVER LEAVE YOUR HEAD.

Maybe that’s the mad genius of Katy Perry. She’s able to record really stupid, bad songs that, once entering your head, never leave. It would certainly explain why she’s had hit after hit after hit.

Or maybe not.

Her newest song, “Dark Horse”, is so forgettable I couldn’t hum it for you if I were chained to a stake about to be burned alive. How this got to #2 (and it was #1 earlier this week!) is completely baffling to me. There is nothing memorable about this song whatsoever, and the music video just might be her stupidest yet. The music is so slow and plodding. Nobody can dance to this. HOW DID THIS GET TO #2??!!!!

I’m telling you, Katy Perry is King Midas. Soon she’s going to transform the entire world into one bad pop song. Be very afraid.


Movin’ along…hmmm, let’s see.

“All of Me” is pretty boring as far as songs go. There’s nothing in it musically interesting – familiar chords, cliché lyrics, etc. But John Legend, whoever he is, is a very good singer, so that’s something.

“Talk Dirty” is atrocious. The lyrics, such as they are, are incredibly moronic and shallow. But I can see why this song is so popular, at least for the time being – there’s something strangely, disturbingly catchy about those trumpety interludes.

“Drunk in Love” – it’s another Beyoncé song….? I feel like I should have more to say about it than that, but I don’t.

“Pompeii” – THE MUSIC VIDEO IS AN X-FILES RIPOFF! Granted, I think everything is an X-Files ripoff, but still IT’S TOTALLY A RIPOFF DID YOU SEE ALL THE DARK EYES IT LOOKED LIKE THE ALIEN VIRUS! ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PEOPLE IN POMPEII.

Lorde’s “Team” is basically the exact same thing as “Royals.” I admire Lorde’s attempt to make pop music about the masses, but she might want to come up with a slightly different approach. Maybe make her music a little less pretentious. I mean, she’s how old? Seventeen?

“Counting Stars” – I have no idea what he’s talking about. His lyrics mean nothing. Makes sense, as OneRepublic is basically the exact same thing as Imagine Dragons. That band I hate.

“Say Something” – I don’t like this song. But I can’t bring myself to really hate it, either. I think there could possibly be a situation, a low moment in my life perhaps, when I’ll hear it and think, “okay, that’s a little pretty.” As long as I don’t have to watch the world’s most depressing music video ever again. Jeez.

“Timber” – Wow. This song manages to combine everything I dislike into 3 minutes and 33 seconds: country music, bad pop music, and Kesha. Way to go, guys. Way to go.


And now, here’s something positive! (I know, right?)

#1 on the charts right now: a little song by Pharrell Williams called “Happy,” and I am very pleased to say that I like this song very much. It’s upbeat, it’s positive, has interesting chords, is catchy, and generally makes me feel, well, happy. Plus, it actually sounds like thought and effort were put into both the music and the words. Pharrell Williams seems to be trying to redeem himself after collaborating with Robin Thicke on “Blurred Lines”. He released “Get Lucky” a few months later, another song I rather enjoyed, and he seems to be adopting this nostalgic funk feel. I like where this is going. Hopefully he can keep it up, and hopefully, so will the charts. If this remains at #1 for a while, I will be very…happy indeed.

Well, that’s it for now. See you next time.